Real solutions to world issues

By: Brian Rogers brian@thesun.co.nz

There are so many important issues facing the world today.  Famine. Climate. Terrorism. Overpopulation. Plastic  shopping bags.

Yet some people fail to take these things seriously, instead wasting away their life on pointless pursuits such as puerile funnies and social media memes.

Which is why we have decided to set an example (not necessarily a good example) and bring you this selection of  mind-numbingly senseless jokes we’ve selected so you can relax and chuckle while the rest of the world tackles the important problems.

Some are from the warped mind of Rogers, (this is why the doctors won’t give me Fentanyl any more). Others are simply stolen from respected sites such as Grumpy Old Folk and other fine educational institutions.

 

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

• Stamps = Lickie Stickie.

• Defibrillator = Heartie Startie.

• Bumble Bee = Fuzzy Buzzy.

• Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby.

• Bra = Breastie Nestie.

• Fork = Stabby Grabby.

• Socks = Feetie Heatie.

• Hippo = Floatie Bloatie.

• Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy.

Not stupid

Neil Finn is joining Fleetwood Mac. How much is he being paid?  Not much, he’s playing for Nicks.

I have to see the lollies first, then I get in the van. I’m not stupid!

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet. But only for about 20 seconds. And only once.

Best ever homeless person’s sign: “Wife and dog kidnapped by ninja warriors. Need cash for kung fu lessons so I can fight to get them back.  I really miss that dog”.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.

I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

My wife has just got a device that links to her cellphone. She clips it over her ear to listen and talk into a little microphone. She calls it a Blue Tooth. But really shouldn’t it be named a Black Ear? And when someone calls her, shouldn’t it be called an Ear Ring?

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said: “Thanks”. I said: “Don’t mention it”.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t”.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

The last Corgi

The sad news: Recently the Queen had to put down her last corgi. Willow, from a long line of family-bred Corgis, was almost 15 and suffering and was ‘put to sleep’ at Windsor Castle. Sources at the palace say the Queen has taken it very hard. She does however have two dorgis – crossed between corgi and dachshund – and another adopted corgi.

We’ve some more suggestions here that Liz might like if she’s considering more dogs… I’ve met some interesting cross breeds this week, a Spoodle playing on a beach with a Labraway. Or was it a Huntador?

Anyway, here’s some new cross breeds you should know about:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso a dog that folds for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter  the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso  an abstract dog.

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull  not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador  a dog that moans incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point owned by... well it doesn’t matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute = Commute  a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere a dog that’s true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = You figure this  one out. But probably not appropriate for  Her Majesty.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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