Some sage advice and other herbs

By: Brian Rogers brian@thesun.co.nz

When life gets you down, when little problems compound up and the worries of everyday living seem unsurmountable, who do you call?

Well for those who don’t have rum, there’s Auntie Roger.

Millions of people in the Bay of Plenty find sound advice, comfort and renewed zest for life, after writing a letter to Dear Auntie Roger and learning Auntie’s sage and well-researched counselling.

Write your question on a $20 note, posted to “Roger” at PO Box 240, Tauranga or an email to: brian@thesun.co.nz with “Dear Auntie Roger” in the subject line (try to also answer your own question if possible, to save Auntie the struggle of having to think one up). Here are just a few of the letters from recent times, with Auntie Roger’s words of wisdom, shared here today, so we can all benefit. Bloom and blossom.

Be the best we can be.

If you have any problem, large, small or even middle-sized, write to Auntie Roger and all your worries will be solved.

Or at least we’ll make you famous by plastering it all over the newspaper.
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Dear Auntie Roger
Every time I play tennis, the cat screams in agony. Is my grip wrong? Should I sedate the cat? Do I need coaching?
– Bjorn, Te Puke.
Hello Bjorn. Either the courts are next to the pipe band hall, or you’re stringing your racket all wrong.
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Dear Auntie Roger
My wife keeps leaving the bathroom scales in the middle of the floor. Is this some sort of hint?
Have the years been unkind to my body shape? Doesn’t she find me attractive anymore? Should I go on a diet? –Distraught, Welcome Bay.
No, Distraught. Your wife is fat and too lazy to put them away.
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Dear Auntie Roger
After every meal I’m in the bathroom doubled over, clenching my teeth and squeezing from the bottom… but nothing comes out. Should I see a specialist? – Doris, Matua.
Dear Doris: You should get a new tube of toothpaste.
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Dear Auntie Roger
I’m riding my horse and there’s a vertical drop to my right, a galloping pink elephant to my left, a giant swan in front and a fierce tiger chasing right behind. How do I get out of here safely? – Panicked, Greerton.
Dear Panicked: Calm down and get off the merry-go-round.
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Dear Auntie Roger
I’m in my later years and having trouble passing wind. I’ve tried everything. Diet, exercise, posture. Any tips, Auntie Roger? – Inflatulated, Mount Maunganui.
Dear Inflatulated: Get a kid to pull your finger.
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Dear Auntie Roger
I’m addicted to Russian Roulette but fear that one day I may meet my demise. How can I give up? Do you think I’m in mortal danger? – Trigger, Katikati.
Dear Trigger: The odds are good; five out of six people really enjoy Russian Roulette.
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Dear Auntie Roger
I’m staying at my girlfriend’s place at the beach and while she was shopping I had a go on her surfboard.
It doesn’t go well without fins and those folding legs make it really hard to paddle. What should I do? – Sandy, Papamoa.
Dear Sandy: Wash that ironing board and get it back in the laundry cupboard before she gets home.
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Dear Auntie Roger
This weird guy keeps asking me to do the fandango. That, along with the thunderbolts and lightening is very, very frightening me. – Scaramouch, Otumoetai.
Dear Scaramouch: He’s just a poor boy, nobody loves him. Spare him his life from this monstrosity.

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Dear Auntie Roger: Just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead. Auntie, life had just begun, now I’ve gone and thrown it all away. – Mama’s boy, Bureta.
Dear Mama’s Boy: Stop hanging out with Scaramouch. If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on.
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Dear Auntie Roger
If good things are measured in value since sliced bread, what was the best thing before sliced bread? – Pondering, Pahoia.
Dear Pondering, there wasn’t a best thing. Life was miserable. It is only since the invention of sliced bread that the saying evolved.
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Dear Auntie Roger
I’m a short guy and my girlfriend is really tall. I have trouble reaching the top of the grill of her barbecue.
Is this dangerous? – Shorty, Tauriko.
Dear Shorty, it is always a concern when the steaks are this high.

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