Hazards in remote locations

By: Brian Rogers brian@thesun.co.nz

The week started with a major catastrophe in the Rogers household.

I dropped the television remote control in my bowl of soup.

My lovely wife had just been in the kitchen grilling, I mean asking, in a concerned and constructive way, if I had a column ready for page 2 this week. Simultaneously and at the same time, that annoying prat came on Seven Sharp, just as the dog jumped on the couch. There was a bit of arm flailing, several yelps, and some choice words. The TV remote did a neat somersault with half pike and back flip, and landed button-side-down in the bowl of soup.

Apparently the three second rule, which dictates food falling on the floor is okay as long as it is picked up within the designated time frame, does not apply to electrical devices plunged into liquid foodstuffs.

Particularly if they have been immersed in soup. They do not float, and they do not work. They do not enhance the soup flavour or consistency. Nor does the soup contribute anything to the proper functions of the remote. Changing channels is spasmodic; altering the volume is not remotely possible.

Netflix is completely off the menu.

 The remote is toast.

We often don’t appreciate how reliant we have become on these fandangled gizmos, until they’re gone. Or submerged briefly.  Back in the old days, we had to get up off the couch and push buttons on the television to change the channel (there were only two) or change the volume.

Just imagine

It’s easy to forget how technology has changed our lives. It’s scary to think how much change is yet to come, of technology we haven’t even imagined yet… flying cars, glow in the dark yoyos, self-slicing beans.

Blowflies modified with lemming genes that take their own lives. Birth control for politicians. And an idea Tauranga City Council is yet to discover – streets open to traffic. The possibilities are endless.

It’s just a shame no bright spark geek has yet thought of developing a floating, soup-proof remote control.

Come on you nerds, get your act together.

Anyway, the situation quickly became intolerable. Jeremy Wells just watched on with that smarmy grin and the dog licked incessantly at the shred of carrot on the menu button. So, I decided to write a letter to Noel Leeming to discuss the situation.  

“Dear Noel. How are you? I’m so sorry to hear about all your family throwing themselves off the cliff into the sea.”

Then I realised, that was the Lemming family, not the Leemings. After that, I lost the thread and gave up the letter idea.

I thought, there must be a better way.

So, I decided to phone him.

“Hello, is Noel in today please?”

Apparently not, maybe he’s playing golf? Hope he stays well away from the sea cliffs on the sixteenth.

“I’m sure you can help me.

“I’ve dropped my TV remote in  my soup.”

The Nice Person at the call centre asked: “What sort is it?” I replied, “Vegetable.”

I then added, “It’s a special recipe soup my wife makes. With pumpkin, potato, onion, garlic, kale, courgette, chicken, carrot, homemade stock, parsnip etc. I usually add just a little bit of salt and a touch of pepper and as a special treat tonight I decided to add a splash of remote control.”

“No,” said the Nice Person. “I meant, what sort of remote control is it?”

“It’s an LG,” I replied.

“Does it still work?” “No, that’s the problem. I took the batteries out because it was fizzing and had a strange smell.”

She asked, what did it smell like. I said, “It has a distinct hint of pumpkin, potato, onion, garlic, kale, courgette, chicken, carrot, homemade stock, parsnip etc …”

“I see,” said the Nice Person, trying to sound sincere and caring but not very convincing. (Young People today just don’t seem to appreciate the effort that goes into home cooking.)

“So, it doesn’t work then, huh?”

“Well, sadly enough, no. After I took the batteries out and gave it a good shake I tried to dry it out. My wife suggested I put it in the air fryer. I didn’t think that was a good idea, as it might taint the kumara. I already have remote-flavoured soup, not sure that I want remote-tainted wedges.”

The Nice Person explained that they can replace it for $60.

“That’s quite a lot for a bowl of soup.

“Although it is great soup I’m not sure I’d pay that.”

“No, we can replace the remote.”

“Roger. So, I guess LG doesn’t stand for Liquid Guarantee, then?”

Submersibles

It is surprising that TV remotes aren’t submersible. Mr Leeming sells other appliances that are, such as stick blenders.

They go quite well in liquid, particularly soup made with pumpkin, potato, onion, garlic, kale, courgette, chicken, carrot, homemade stock, parsnip etc …”

Their toasters however, do not work well as bath water heaters. I’ve seen that in the movies and it never ends well. Do Not Try This At Home.

Nor do toasters work very well at drying out things, such as money, after your wallet has been dropped off the boat.

I wanted to explain the stick blender example to Nice Person but figured the young lady had endured enough.

“Thanks so much. We’ll be in tomorrow with cash. It’s a bit crisp around the edges.”

And just a congratulations for you sharp readers out there. Yes, you’re right. The glow in the dark yoyo has already been invented. About the same time that NZ got a second TV channel. Shame it wasn’t colour. The yoyo would have screened so much better.

Until next week, take care out there.

Keep your remote safe and your dinners  true to recipe. See you in the soup!

brian@thesun.co.nz

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