I’m pleased to report huge success with our latest climate change meeting recently.
The meeting was required because my colleagues and I discovered, after extensive research, that the New Zealand climate currently is, according to our highly scientific terminology, “pretty stink”.
This is a downgrading of the NZ Climate Rating from just a few months ago, when it ranked “pretty average”.
It was necessary for me to travel to Europe for the meeting, because it follows the example set by all other climate meeting participants over the decades.
To properly discuss climate issues, it seems one must sit one’s backside in the seat of a very large aeroplane for a day or so, burning vast quantities of irreplaceable fossil fuels. Ironically, one of the very habits that is causing climate change, so we are led to believe.
We were going to call it the Copenhagen Accord, but due to the fact we took a wrong train and ended up crossing Belgium twice and forayed into France three times in one afternoon, the entourage never made it to Denmark.
Stranded in a small town at the end of the service, Quiévrain, we were joined by a group of (also lost) kinetic energy researchers, complete with their sensitive equipment.
They preferred to call themselves snooker players. I just love it how some of the most enquiring and brilliant minds down play their role and contribution to saving the planet. It is so humbling.
So it became less like the Copenhagen Accord and more like the Rusty Old Civic.
It didn’t take long for my colleagues and relatives to concur that the NZ climate is indeed ranked stink at the moment – in fact it is rank.
This was confirmed by the highly delicate experiments undertaken in the northern hemisphere. We checked the cooling rates of various liquids and noticed a markedly higher re-hydration rate was required by our test subjects in the Northern Hemisphere.
One of the marker substances used in our experiments is the Pina Colada. Or as my mother-in-law prefers to call it, the Pina Collider. This device is very similar to the Hadron Collider, except it has a much smaller umbrella on top.
This is necessary because the instructions in the song specifically mention that if one likes Pina Coladas, then one should also like being caught in the rain.
The Pina Collider works on a similar principle as Hadron’s Collider gadget.
It takes an organism known as a patron, then propels at high rates of speed, neutrons and electrons around in the patron brain until they collide, producing morons. These are eventually collected up, assessed and nearly always sent back to their hotel in a taxi driven by a big man with flowers on his shirt.
Our snooker-playing friends managed to merge two experiments into one, combining long range air travel with liquid substance abuse, to create an unbalanced state, known as a Jet Hang Lag Over.
We came away from the climate change summit very satisfied that we had not only proven the hypothesis regarding the NZ weather, but also that we had achieved equally as much as any of the other climate meetings that have been held over the past few decades.
These people continue to meet and talk and jet around the world, while all adding to its demise.
The only thing they can think to change it is to keep trotting out the same condescending lines to the public and telling us that more taxes, fewer plastic bags and a ban on drinking straws will miraculously solve it. Next they’ll want to fold up the umbrellas.
Not looking very helpful for our Pina Colliders, is it?
Not only will the average working person be further penalised financially for no apparent improvement in the planet, but they won’t be able to drink a Collider with a straw. That will be hard to suck up.
All in all, it ranks pretty stink.
Cheers, and until next week, be careful out there, especially in the dunes on the cape.