New rules announced for birthday upgrades

By: Brian Rogers brian@thesun.co.nz

Birthdays are a great idea and we recommend you consider having one regularly, at least once a year.

This has been topical in our  household recently, as a family member  who shall remain anonymous is celebrating  a major milestone.

We obviously can’t name the person in a newspaper that goes to the homes of 140,000 people and is surveyed as the best read publication in the entire Bay of Plenty, so we’ll keep it just between you and I, so my wife isn’t embarrassed.

That just wouldn’t be right in her 60th decade.

There have been some recent changes in the rules regarding Birthdays. Today we’d like to recap on a few of the alterations, just so you’re all up to speed with the new protocols.

Scoffing cake

Many of you will already be aware of these traditions, and this column may just be a refresher course for you. Others may have taken Birthdays beyond the scope of today’s seminar. Well done you!

Those people can apply to have their birthday behaviour officially ratified and added to the standard rules and regulations. If so, please contact us immediately so we can update the database of Totally Rad Ideas.

Rogers Rabbits is a self-admitted regulator of Birthday Procedures - a sort of Birthday Celebrant - just like a minister of the church, but with a party hat and without the imaginary friend.

As such, there’s a direct responsibility for the continued improvement of the Birthday movement. It might seem simple enough from the outside, but be assured, there’s a lot of work goes on behind the scenes.

It’s not all candles and ribbons at the coalface of Birthday machinations.

Someone has to keep the system rolling smoothly in the background while the rest of you scoff cake and do *The Floss*.

Automatic upgrades

One of the most important improvements to the Birthday Bash System is your right to upgrade (at no cost to you, only your friends) to more than the standard 24-hours, once you attain the age of 40.

You can automatically be eligible for Birthday Week, if you so choose. Not just a single day, but a whole week of Birth Mirth.

The Birthdayee gains the right to select when the week starts and finishes, usually with the actual day of birth falling within said nominated week.

In some special instances, the Birthday Week option can be bestowed upon those turning 30 if they have reason for special dispensation, for instance, they are a proven, qualified and experienced Party Animal. Photographic evidence may be needed to support this.

Some people, and you know who I’m talking about, have put in so much dedication to the process in their early years that they can attain Party Animal status a decade sooner. They can be fast-tracked. They are living party legends, if still alive.

In these situations, the Birthdayees can obtain Birthday Week status from age 30 for the rest of their lives, or until their knees give out; whichever occurs first.

Birthday Week means the Birthdayee can party like its 1999, even though it is actually 2018 and they were born in 1988.

Quirk of rules

Under the Birthday Week provisions,  those assisting with celebrations, the Birthdayors, must lavish love, treats, attention, outings and outrageous but meaningful gifts upon the Birthdayee for  the entire nominated week.  

Under some circumstances, the Birthday Week, if selected carefully, may contain two weekends, since due to a quirk of the rules, allows for nearby weekends to be co-opted.

So too, can public holidays, in the instance of Labour Weekend, when it would only be right to include the extra Monday public holiday to tack onto the week of celebration and potential debauchery.

In the event of two Birthdayees of close acquaintance discovering that, with the application of their Birthday Weeks coinciding within a close timeframe, their Birthday Weeks can, under a little known but frequently exploited loophole, amalgamate their Birthday Weeks into a Birthday Fortnight, known as a Megabash.

Another convenient glitch in the matrix allows you to combine your week with the Queen, if your nominated birthday week falls within cooey of Elizabeth’s celebrated day; meaning you score a Birthday Fortnight simply due to your royal connections.

Recently in our family, a Megabash occurred when some members turned 30, 40 and 60 within the timeframe of three weeks.

They are still in recovery mode.

Other acquaintances report a series of amalgamated Birthdays occurred with three old ducks turning 65, 70, and 80, which was dubbed a Triple Granny Whammy.

Perpetual party

It is possible, therefore, for a group of say 50 close friends, to theoretically hold a Megabash for virtually a whole year, taking a couple of weeks off for a breather around Christmas. Let’s not be stupid about this.

Of course, the Christmas/New Year celebrations kick in, which effectively  means a non-stop party for the rest of your lives, which may not be that long, if you do party 24/7 for 52 weeks a year; for consecutive years.

 

That’s enough hearty party for this week.

Remember to advise us of your custom Birthday arrangements. Email:  brian@thesun.co.nz

In the meantime, remember to look after yourself. Always serve nutritious food.

Watch out for your friends. Don’t let anyone drive drunk. Hydrate.

And remember to Floss regularly.

 

*The Floss is no longer a dental procedure, but a new dance move, evolved from the younger generation who aren’t yet at risk of losing their teeth.

It involves swinging ones straight arms back and forth either side of the abdomen while oscillating the hips in a counter-pendulum direction. As if you are attempting to remove cellulite from the inside of your thighs with an invisible towel. Do not try this at home unless you are equipped with party horn, instructional teenager and chiropractor.*

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